TIMELINE1980 – Born.
1983 – Wins gold medal for 25-meter freestyle, 3 year old division at Glen Cannon Pool.
1984 – Pees on floor at TV commercial audition.
1987 – Reads storybooks to stuffed animal audience. Wins spelling bee at South Fayette Elementary School.
1988 – Becomes first 8 year old to host a “Backyard Fair” for Multiple Sclerosis, raising $150 for the cause. Produces & directs first TV show: the Kress Idiots Show, starring younger sister Nicky.
1989 – Becomes first student to sing the McDonald’s menu without error on South Fayette Radio. Creates "Backyard Gang," the tree house club for Wheatland Circle children.
1990 – Extorted club dues from "Backyard Gang" to use for personal snacks at Hunting Ridge Pool. Orders pizza to Carly’s landlord’s house, watches the prank delivery from bushes.
1991 – Produces & directs first talk show series: Carly & Kristen, Kristen & Christin, and Kristen & Shannon. Tells neighborhood children that her Dad owns the woods. Shatters jar of pickle relish on staircase after throwing it at Nicky while fighting, gets grounded.
1992 – Channels the spirit world by playing the Ouija Board with Carly, summons the spirit “Nathan.” Neither ever admits to moving the game board indicator.
1993 – Creates beach setting in bedroom, Mom angry. Plays the girl from the Exorcist at Universal Studios Chamber of Chills. Forces neighborhood children to perform “Annie” on neighbor’s patio.
1995 – Gets trapped in port-a-john at Jaycees Haunted House by masked chainsaw actor.
1996 – Recites Marc Antony’s Funeral Oration from Julius Caesar at the Pittsburgh Public Theatre. Paints body blue for Highmark Blue Cross Blue Shield ad campaign.
1997 – Goes on as the understudy to Dolly in Hello Dolly at Comtra Community Theatre.
1998 – Graduates South Fayette High School with honors, sings with show choir at graduation. Joins professional wrestling school – Pro-Wrestling eXpress (PWX). Wrestles in back of candy store at flea market. Meets her arch nemesis – Jazmynn Viktoria.
2000/1 – Wins award for playing Annie Sullivan in the Miracle Worker at Westminster College, performs at American College Theatre Festival. Beats man attempting to mug her with heel of shoe & pursues him in highway chase. Becomes first woman in family to graduate college.
2002/3 – Moves to Louisville, KY under developmental contract to be a pro-wrestler with the WWE. Wrestles on TV shows as Katarina Heiss.
2004/5 – Directs Bye, Bye, Birdie & You Can’t Take it With You at Springdale High School. Starts non-profit community theatre group, “the Footnotes;” performs murder mysteries.
2006/7 – Moves to the Big Apple, refuses to sell car. Starts teaching full time at the Bronx High School of Science. Classes are called a “circus act” in performance review from Principal. Pays $3000 in parking tickets. Creates fake press credentials to gain admittance to Harry Potter red carpet premiere.
2008 – Performs musical for senior citizens in assisted care living. Attends more than ten New Kids on the Block reunion concerts & several New Kids cruises with new friend Danielle. Gets Donnie's cell phone number & becomes friends with the New Kids.
2009/10 – Runs NJ & NY Marathons. Does bit roles on NY sitcoms & TV dramas. Completes 2 triathlons. Wins faculty talent show for English Department with colleague, Vicki by writing parody song about student life. Uses fake press credentials to attend final Harry Potter red carpet, meets & interviews cast. Resigns from Bronx Science. Starts performing standup comedy.
2011 – Continues standup. Releases first sketch comedy shorts. Begins MFA in Directing at the Actors Studio, becomes class representative. Defends faculty talent show title, wins for a 2nd year, even though no longer on faculty. Directs S!NG at Bronx Science & helps kids write original musicals. Adds a 4th bedroom to 3BR apartment in Queens, doesn’t tell landlord. Looks obese on episode of Inside the Actors Studio while asking George Clooney a question. Dreams of becoming Elia Kazan.
2012 – Injures friend Laura during shooting of short film Free Bike while pushing her into a moving vehicle. Free Bike later wins awards for “Audience Favorite” & “Best Actress in a Featured Role” (Laura as the corpse). Wins “Top 10 of NY” award for short film Life with Liam. Works on new Scope, Adoption & American Cancer Society commercials. Works on first feature film. Still remembers the McDonald’s menu song and performs it for her Mom’s 64th birthday dinner.
2013 – Kristen & Laura make another award winning short film, "Perspective," which obviously stars talking paint colors. Around the same time, she meets & falls in love with fellow insane person, Judah, the drummer, aka the stranger she met online. The Ditmars Angels, and Norah, her beautiful niece, are born and win awards. Norah doesn't (but she will one day), just the Angels do (semi-finalists for best upcoming comedy web series). Kristen writes her first solo project, the short "Super Grannies Bridge Club," about a team of superhero grandmas, which premieres in NYC, tours several festivals nationwide, and wins multiple awards. Kristen & Danielle once again go see the New Kids on the Block, but are denied backstage passes. Kristen continues to work on her MFA in Directing at the Actors Studio, and works as an AD for the Discovery Channel. Judah proposes, Kristen says yes!
2014 – Kristen sells longtime best friend Star, the 2001 Saturn, to a man on eBay. She also gets to testify before a grand jury after witnessing a car accident, which as an extreme Law & Order fan, ticks another item off her bucket list. Kristen directs 4 plays as part of the Actors Studio Drama School Rep Season & graduates with her MFA in Directing! She cries a lot. Her friends & fam throw her 2 epic bachelorette parties in Pittsburgh & NYC, which prompts further tears and involves crimped hair. Danielle gets New Kids on the Block members to send congratulatory emails. Kristen & Judah then plan a highly personalized wedding, featuring cinematic & drum-related everything, and force all their friends to participate in a "Bridal Party Entrance Dance," (to enter the reception) choreographed by one of Lady Gaga's dancers. Their friends begrudgingly participate, and secretly love the dance. Kristen becomes Kristen Kress Parness. Judah & Kristen then drive cross country & now live in the Burbank area of LA, where Kristen plans to continue her directing career.